There's No Use In Wasting Time
I took this picture in Monte Carlo, Monaco this weekend. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.
Coming back from a great vacation is always slightly depressing for me. Especially if it's a sunny vacation! But I am really glad I was able to make it down to the French Riviera. I wonder if I had been able to teach in Southern France if it would have been a better experience for me. I probably wouldn't have had as much seasonal depression as I did in the North. Although there were several things that annoyed me during my trip, I did my best to make the most of it and enjoy some "me" time and just think about my time here and how it's changed me. I think I've become more confused about what I want to do with my life.
Today I had another decision made for me. I didn't get the internship I really wanted. I feel like I'm not succeeding in anything. A person can only handle rejection so many times before they ponder about the decisions they made in their life. I'm seriously considering going back to school, but not necessarily graduate school. I think maybe I need more technical schooling. Technical writing maybe or graphic design; the world just seems to be moving in that direction. While I'm not totally giving up my dream of bringing poetry to the masses, I think maybe I need a technical job to get the money to start my own company. I'm really interested in starting up my own literary agency or publishing press. But that takes lots of money, time, and experience. None of which I have. Well, I suppose I do have the time right now. I think that time should be spent learning a specific skill or trade.
I'm even tempted to go back to Western and start over. Not completely over, but add on to the education I already got there. But I also feel like that'd be regressing. Like I'm trying to make myself believe that since I had a great time at Western for 2 years and enjoyed the classes there, that'd it would be the same if I went back. But it wouldn't at all. I'll be like the Van Wilder or something (without being a man-whore). Everyone's gone from there. If I could find a job in the industry I want in the Seattle area, I wouldn't mind taking it. I just don't have a lot of the experience these kinds of jobs keep asking for. But it's not like I'm going to get 3-5 years professional experience going to graduate school either.
I'm so confused. I wanted this internship. It would have given me a huge step in the direction I wanted. They said they chose someone who was "closer to what the company needed". Who could be more closer than me? I'm a writer of poetry, I read poetry, I'm sincerely interested in learning the business with a hands-on experience, I loved that they were not for profit...I didn't even mind that it was unpaid!
I just want to feel like I have a grasp on my future, but the longer I'm here, the more I feel it slipping away.
I'll Let You Fall In Love With Me
My goodness it was absolutely beautiful today. It was a great day, still is I suppose. It's only 5:40pm. French Time.
Woke up, it was sunny out again, so going to work for 2 hours didn't seem too bad since I knew afterwards I'd be off for almost a whole week. The bus wasn't overly crowded, so that was delightful. The kids in the first class were very chatty but I just had them color so I didn't really mind. However, I'm afraid they aren't learning anything. And I've figured out it's not my style of teaching because the other kids in the other school I teach at are getting it. It's just hard to have a whole class that doesn't respond to anything. I try different things: worksheets, games, coloring activities, songs...nothing works. I am not ready to give up, not yet. At least they are hearing the words from someone who actually knows how to pronounce them.
After school I went for a run and almost died of heat stroke again. Oh and I'm pretty sure my legs are going to just stop working in the middle of the night and I'll fall out of bed! But so far I'm at 3 days in a row, 4 when I go tomorrow...unless of course that whole leg thing happens. I had to take a cold shower to get my face to return to a normal skin shade...then I caught up on emails, read out in the sun (yay sun!) and ate some lunch. Although it was sad when I realized half the things that were mine had gone bad in the fridge. The fridge sucks ass by the way, and we also have no freezer. Well, we have a freezer, but it's just a giant chunk of ice.
And so since it was so nice, I thought, hey! what better than walk to Republique!?!? That's the outdoor shopping area with the only Gap in town. Good idea Caitlin...used 2 credit cards and got 3 shirts. And I only used 2 cards because I treated myself (like always) to something with my tax return. Although I have to keep in mind I am going to Cannes tomorrow! Yikes! Oh well. I'm too much of a European fashionista now. Not really, but I really want to be...if only I had the money/suitcase room. I also bought a new bathing suit yesterday, but that was much needed. I don't fit in the top of the one I brought with me. It's amazing, you go to France and your boobs grow a cup size! Down boy ;)
I love today. And I love the new Tristan Prettyman CD...go look it up. Do it.
A bientot! I'll have pics from Cannes soon!
Let Me Feel You Up, Upside Down
I'm finally up to the normal eating habits. Well, not "normal", but healthier and smaller portions. I guess the gastro is good for something. For those unfamiliar with French intestinal diseases, gastro is what everyone in Northern France gets a million and five times in their lives. This year I have probably had it 3 times, this last one being the real doozy. Doozie? Not even close? No idea. Not important! What is important is that I can finally eat again!
I'm tired. And I'm bored. I really hate to complain about this fact, honestly, I do. Especially now that it's all almost done and the weather (for today at least) is nice, and Cannes is within sight. But I am incredibly bored with life here. I was sitting here for 5 minutes before consenting to getting online for the 8th time today, thinking, what did I do in the States if I got bored? Here is the list I came up with:
1) Hang out with friends (those are SO nice to have, I swear I will never take friendship for granted. Not that I really did before, but beware, I'm going to be so incredibly social when I return, you'll be paying me not to hang out with you).
2) Drive a car somewhere
3) Have a telephone conversation
4) Speak English
5) Watch TV in English
6) Force my brother into hanging out with me
7) Go to Starbucks
8) Wash my car...oh car...
9) Talk to my mom
10) Read Cosmo (in English)
11) Go for a walk with my dad
12) Work and enjoy it!
13) Write (that talent seems to have disappeared in the last 7ish months)
14) Go to Happy Hour
15) Go to a sporting event (I miss baseball)
So that's it for now. It all might look trivial and not that fun but right now I'd give anything to go out and wash my car. Or even mow the lawn. Or watch my brother mow the lawn. Oh! I thought of something else! Baking! I miss baking cookies, brownies, banana bread, etc. And it's not even because I got to eat it afterward, it was usually for other people. Sigh. Instead I'm sitting here in France waiting for Eve to call me (happens more than one would think) and am about ready to just fuck all plans for the day to sit and pout. But I'm going to be a big girl.
But I am slightly annoyed. I want to be in Cannes and have it not rain and meet some celebrities. I want a tan, or at least a little bit of coloring. I don't want to look like the third wheel (which I'm afraid looks like it's going to happen. It's almost nauseating). But this is my vacation and I'll do what I want to do, go where I want to go. After being alone in Ireland for a good amount of time I'm fine with traveling alone.
In other news, Mike is going to be able to make it here at the end of June and be able to go to Spain and Italy with me. I'm excited to see him, another sarcastic person for me to finally hang out with! I think that's why I miss Katie so much. We kept each other's bitchiness in line. No one is here to do that for me, so I'm like uber cynical bitch now. And the funny thing is, I almost like it. It's way better than being overly sensitive, dependent-on-others Caitlin.
Take it or leave it, buddy!
I took this picture in Monte Carlo, Monaco this weekend. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. 
