Open Up Your Mind
I had a hard time picking a specific lyric to title this blog today. Why? I do not know, everything seemed to fit my mood. Life has been crazy busy the last few months. And all my blogging time was taken up by a blog I had to for a class. It was not as fun as this blog. I didn't care about writing what I learned from class the previous week and how it was going to apply to me as a Future Educator to the Youth of America. It's quite the title I am to receive. Will you trust me with your kids? To give them the education you want them to have, hope they will have? Exactly what kind of education do you think they will be receiving? I plan on teaching literature from a variety of cultures, races, ethnicities, religions...will you be okay with that? My Multicultural Curriculum class is infiltrating my mind right now...
Actually the class itself, so far, is pretty boring. It's the reading for it that is keeping me interested. Why am I spending 3500 bucks a quarter to listen to the professor answer peoples' questions who don't know how to read the syllabus? Email the lady! Ask her after class! Do not waste my precious tuition dollars, please! Last week we got to read an article by Beverly Tatum on Racial Development Identity Theory and we didn't spend even one second discussing it. I had stuff to say! This is important information: how to not be racist when you teach! Someone help me wrap my middle-class, White, American brain around this!
In other news, I am convinced the kids at the preschool yesterday all ate Coco Puffs for breakfast. The morning class was so monstrous that I was completely physically and mentally exhausted by 11am when they finally left. I love my job and the kids, but come on! Do 3-5 year olds really understand the concept of a three-day weekend??
When A Heart Breaks, No It Don't Break Even
I'm a blogging fraud! It's been over a year, how terrible. My adoring fans, I am so sorry....okay I actually know for a fact that Michael L is the only one who reads this- thanks :)
Aside from the terribly depressing title, this is not going to be about heartbreak or love lost or any of that junk. A cookie to whomever can name the artist and title of the song! No googling, cheater. I just used "google" as a verb. What has technology done to us??
Technology has become a pain in my ass. I think it has made it harder to get a job, harder to communicate with people, harder to share feelings, and harder to call someone up and ask them out! Look what Facebook has done for dating: someone can decide if they like you depending on your musical tastes, movie favorites, or what some drunk friend writes to you on your wall without even knowing you! People post their private information- AIM, MSN, email, address, cell phone, names, birthdays...and why? Why do we feel the need to be reachable on so many different levels? Because of rejection. Anyone seen He's Just Not That Into You and Drew Barrymore is going on and on about how she MySpaced someone who called her blackberry and then she texted them and then they called her house phone "only to get rejected in 7 different ways"? I'm not going to be a hypocrite, I definitely text people rather than calling them on the phone. It seems too personal and scary now, what if someone actually picks up? Or worse yet, what if they don't? Is it because they saw it was me on the Caller ID or because they really truly were not available? This all sounds semi-mental, I realize this. But come on, you know you've been there!
I used to talk on the phone for HOURS, to the opposite sex even, back in junior high and the first year or two of high school. But then I got my cell phone and my unlimited text plan and conversations were never the same. Things get taken out of context- are you good at recognizing sarcasm via text without the usage of emoticons? I doubt it. How many times have you gotten into it with a friend or significant other just because you didn't understand or read into their first message a little too much? Ever have a guy say "I'll call you" and then well, he doesn't call, but he does text, so that's close enough right?
No wonder our generation is getting married young and divorcing, no one can communicate anymore. I've known a few people in my lifetime (almost a quarter of a century now!) that have either had major fights or broken up due to Relationship Status[es] not being updated soon enough or at all, or because someone didn't text in a decent matter of time. Sure, I'll put off answering someone, but I am a hypocrite in that I don't like it when someone doesn't answer me back. I feel disgusted with myself admitting that. It's something I'm working on, don't worry!
I'm sure I'll get engaged via text: Baitlin (because my name isn't in T9), u want 2 merry me :P
There's No Use In Wasting Time
I took this picture in Monte Carlo, Monaco this weekend. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.
Coming back from a great vacation is always slightly depressing for me. Especially if it's a sunny vacation! But I am really glad I was able to make it down to the French Riviera. I wonder if I had been able to teach in Southern France if it would have been a better experience for me. I probably wouldn't have had as much seasonal depression as I did in the North. Although there were several things that annoyed me during my trip, I did my best to make the most of it and enjoy some "me" time and just think about my time here and how it's changed me. I think I've become more confused about what I want to do with my life.
Today I had another decision made for me. I didn't get the internship I really wanted. I feel like I'm not succeeding in anything. A person can only handle rejection so many times before they ponder about the decisions they made in their life. I'm seriously considering going back to school, but not necessarily graduate school. I think maybe I need more technical schooling. Technical writing maybe or graphic design; the world just seems to be moving in that direction. While I'm not totally giving up my dream of bringing poetry to the masses, I think maybe I need a technical job to get the money to start my own company. I'm really interested in starting up my own literary agency or publishing press. But that takes lots of money, time, and experience. None of which I have. Well, I suppose I do have the time right now. I think that time should be spent learning a specific skill or trade.
I'm even tempted to go back to Western and start over. Not completely over, but add on to the education I already got there. But I also feel like that'd be regressing. Like I'm trying to make myself believe that since I had a great time at Western for 2 years and enjoyed the classes there, that'd it would be the same if I went back. But it wouldn't at all. I'll be like the Van Wilder or something (without being a man-whore). Everyone's gone from there. If I could find a job in the industry I want in the Seattle area, I wouldn't mind taking it. I just don't have a lot of the experience these kinds of jobs keep asking for. But it's not like I'm going to get 3-5 years professional experience going to graduate school either.
I'm so confused. I wanted this internship. It would have given me a huge step in the direction I wanted. They said they chose someone who was "closer to what the company needed". Who could be more closer than me? I'm a writer of poetry, I read poetry, I'm sincerely interested in learning the business with a hands-on experience, I loved that they were not for profit...I didn't even mind that it was unpaid!
I just want to feel like I have a grasp on my future, but the longer I'm here, the more I feel it slipping away.
I'll Let You Fall In Love With Me
My goodness it was absolutely beautiful today. It was a great day, still is I suppose. It's only 5:40pm. French Time.
Woke up, it was sunny out again, so going to work for 2 hours didn't seem too bad since I knew afterwards I'd be off for almost a whole week. The bus wasn't overly crowded, so that was delightful. The kids in the first class were very chatty but I just had them color so I didn't really mind. However, I'm afraid they aren't learning anything. And I've figured out it's not my style of teaching because the other kids in the other school I teach at are getting it. It's just hard to have a whole class that doesn't respond to anything. I try different things: worksheets, games, coloring activities, songs...nothing works. I am not ready to give up, not yet. At least they are hearing the words from someone who actually knows how to pronounce them.
After school I went for a run and almost died of heat stroke again. Oh and I'm pretty sure my legs are going to just stop working in the middle of the night and I'll fall out of bed! But so far I'm at 3 days in a row, 4 when I go tomorrow...unless of course that whole leg thing happens. I had to take a cold shower to get my face to return to a normal skin shade...then I caught up on emails, read out in the sun (yay sun!) and ate some lunch. Although it was sad when I realized half the things that were mine had gone bad in the fridge. The fridge sucks ass by the way, and we also have no freezer. Well, we have a freezer, but it's just a giant chunk of ice.
And so since it was so nice, I thought, hey! what better than walk to Republique!?!? That's the outdoor shopping area with the only Gap in town. Good idea Caitlin...used 2 credit cards and got 3 shirts. And I only used 2 cards because I treated myself (like always) to something with my tax return. Although I have to keep in mind I am going to Cannes tomorrow! Yikes! Oh well. I'm too much of a European fashionista now. Not really, but I really want to be...if only I had the money/suitcase room. I also bought a new bathing suit yesterday, but that was much needed. I don't fit in the top of the one I brought with me. It's amazing, you go to France and your boobs grow a cup size! Down boy ;)
I love today. And I love the new Tristan Prettyman CD...go look it up. Do it.
A bientot! I'll have pics from Cannes soon!
Let Me Feel You Up, Upside Down
I'm finally up to the normal eating habits. Well, not "normal", but healthier and smaller portions. I guess the gastro is good for something. For those unfamiliar with French intestinal diseases, gastro is what everyone in Northern France gets a million and five times in their lives. This year I have probably had it 3 times, this last one being the real doozy. Doozie? Not even close? No idea. Not important! What is important is that I can finally eat again!
I'm tired. And I'm bored. I really hate to complain about this fact, honestly, I do. Especially now that it's all almost done and the weather (for today at least) is nice, and Cannes is within sight. But I am incredibly bored with life here. I was sitting here for 5 minutes before consenting to getting online for the 8th time today, thinking, what did I do in the States if I got bored? Here is the list I came up with:
1) Hang out with friends (those are SO nice to have, I swear I will never take friendship for granted. Not that I really did before, but beware, I'm going to be so incredibly social when I return, you'll be paying me not to hang out with you).
2) Drive a car somewhere
3) Have a telephone conversation
4) Speak English
5) Watch TV in English
6) Force my brother into hanging out with me
7) Go to Starbucks
8) Wash my car...oh car...
9) Talk to my mom
10) Read Cosmo (in English)
11) Go for a walk with my dad
12) Work and enjoy it!
13) Write (that talent seems to have disappeared in the last 7ish months)
14) Go to Happy Hour
15) Go to a sporting event (I miss baseball)
So that's it for now. It all might look trivial and not that fun but right now I'd give anything to go out and wash my car. Or even mow the lawn. Or watch my brother mow the lawn. Oh! I thought of something else! Baking! I miss baking cookies, brownies, banana bread, etc. And it's not even because I got to eat it afterward, it was usually for other people. Sigh. Instead I'm sitting here in France waiting for Eve to call me (happens more than one would think) and am about ready to just fuck all plans for the day to sit and pout. But I'm going to be a big girl.
But I am slightly annoyed. I want to be in Cannes and have it not rain and meet some celebrities. I want a tan, or at least a little bit of coloring. I don't want to look like the third wheel (which I'm afraid looks like it's going to happen. It's almost nauseating). But this is my vacation and I'll do what I want to do, go where I want to go. After being alone in Ireland for a good amount of time I'm fine with traveling alone.
In other news, Mike is going to be able to make it here at the end of June and be able to go to Spain and Italy with me. I'm excited to see him, another sarcastic person for me to finally hang out with! I think that's why I miss Katie so much. We kept each other's bitchiness in line. No one is here to do that for me, so I'm like uber cynical bitch now. And the funny thing is, I almost like it. It's way better than being overly sensitive, dependent-on-others Caitlin.
Take it or leave it, buddy!
Make You Stop And Breathe
Killarney, Co Kerry, Ireland
April 10, 2008
I Can't Believe That I Feel What I Feel
My mind is running a million miles per hour and I'm thinking I'll never catch up to it. Time is winding down in France, two months of teaching, 3 weeks of traveling. That's all that is left. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this. I'm happy to be going home, and I am happy to be leaving France...but I am going to miss traveling and exploring. I'm afraid that when I get home I will never come back to Europe or go anywhere else in the world. I just got back from Ireland and being there is what made me realize I'm not ready to come home. Or at least not ready to settle down.
Settle down? Settle down to what? No job? No boyfriend? No money? Living with my parents?
I have graduate school. I got into Portland State's MA program for Book Publishing. No one else wanted me as a Creative Writer. How's that for the ol'ego!? Guess I wasn't meant to be a writer. I don't know what I was meant to be. Maybe a person who travels the world? I like meeting new people, discovering different histories, exploring uncharted territory...watching a herd of deer run through the water 3-4 meters in front of me in Killarney.
I guess I'll go to PSU. I can travel whenever right? But I can go to school whenever as well, right?
This is all France's fault.
It Won't Be Long
I would just like to thank Michael for reading this :) Or at least the one time I know he has! THANKS!
It's been awhile since I've posted something. I haven't really been busy. I've been busy doing nothing, and there's nothing more time consuming than that! I have less than 100 pages to go with
War and Peace...I majorly fucked up on my cross stitching so I quit that...and I now have CNN Europe which means I finally know what's going on the in the world, most importantly, back at home. Tacoma was on it yesterday in fact! I forget why, but I was like YAY! TACOMA! Even though, honestly, I don't care about Tacoma. Sorry.
I am disconnected. I feel emotionally disconnected from my world at home. I guess it's not really my world anymore. The first 5 months here I would think I had two lives: a life I was still trying to live in the US, and my life in France. I've finally accepted that I don't have a life at home anymore. No offense to anyone at the moment, but we're not friends anymore. I haven't seen you in a long time, you haven't seen me. It would be naive to think we could just pick up where we all left off without anything having changed. I'm sorry, but I've changed. I know I have. And I know you have too. You've either gotten a significant other, a new big kid job, a condo, a house, you've graduated, or maybe you just changed your hair color.
Me, I've changed. I've become more cynical but also more aware of the world and my impact on it. I will tell you what I think and not really give a damn about how it might hurt or help you. We're only on this Earth for so long, and I don't need to spend anymore time tip-toeing around people being cautious of their feelings. I am still sensitive though. I will no longer take your shit. You will no longer be allowed to string me along playing your games. If I don't want to go out one night, I won't go, don't try to suck me in. If I don't want to talk to you, get over it. If I don't agree with your ideals or morals, get fucking over it. And you can do the same to me. My new goal is not to be a hypocrite. Although I feel like even just saying that is hypocritical. Don't preach to me about being promiscuous if I can't even count how many people you've slept with on two hands. Don't tell me I'm being a bitch, chances are, I already know it and don't give a damn if you think it.
I am an independent person. More so than before, thank God. I've learned to live on my own in a foreign country for almost 6 months now. Although I'd like to think you could understand, let's be honest, you can't. I work in a different language than my mother tongue, I live with people who speak another language, I now think in that language. I've also learned a new language while being here.
I have found my own way of dealing with my religion, I go as I please and I believe in what I want. Don't tell me I can't have it both ways. I can and I will. Some days I feel like I need God more than others, on those days I pray and go to church. Other days I don't believe in a higher being...so what?
This sounds harsh, maybe. But I'm in this mood right now where I feel like I can take on the world alone, and you know what, I already have taken on a little bit of it, so why not?
