What's Next?

There's No Use In Wasting Time

I took this picture in Monte Carlo, Monaco this weekend. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Coming back from a great vacation is always slightly depressing for me. Especially if it's a sunny vacation! But I am really glad I was able to make it down to the French Riviera. I wonder if I had been able to teach in Southern France if it would have been a better experience for me. I probably wouldn't have had as much seasonal depression as I did in the North. Although there were several things that annoyed me during my trip, I did my best to make the most of it and enjoy some "me" time and just think about my time here and how it's changed me. I think I've become more confused about what I want to do with my life.

Today I had another decision made for me. I didn't get the internship I really wanted. I feel like I'm not succeeding in anything. A person can only handle rejection so many times before they ponder about the decisions they made in their life. I'm seriously considering going back to school, but not necessarily graduate school. I think maybe I need more technical schooling. Technical writing maybe or graphic design; the world just seems to be moving in that direction. While I'm not totally giving up my dream of bringing poetry to the masses, I think maybe I need a technical job to get the money to start my own company. I'm really interested in starting up my own literary agency or publishing press. But that takes lots of money, time, and experience. None of which I have. Well, I suppose I do have the time right now. I think that time should be spent learning a specific skill or trade.

I'm even tempted to go back to Western and start over. Not completely over, but add on to the education I already got there. But I also feel like that'd be regressing. Like I'm trying to make myself believe that since I had a great time at Western for 2 years and enjoyed the classes there, that'd it would be the same if I went back. But it wouldn't at all. I'll be like the Van Wilder or something (without being a man-whore). Everyone's gone from there. If I could find a job in the industry I want in the Seattle area, I wouldn't mind taking it. I just don't have a lot of the experience these kinds of jobs keep asking for. But it's not like I'm going to get 3-5 years professional experience going to graduate school either.

I'm so confused. I wanted this internship. It would have given me a huge step in the direction I wanted. They said they chose someone who was "closer to what the company needed". Who could be more closer than me? I'm a writer of poetry, I read poetry, I'm sincerely interested in learning the business with a hands-on experience, I loved that they were not for profit...I didn't even mind that it was unpaid!

I just want to feel like I have a grasp on my future, but the longer I'm here, the more I feel it slipping away.

posted by Caitlin @ 7:08 AM