I Am Beautifully Broken
There are a lot of things that I can't begin to comprehend right now. I don't even know if it's something I feel like talking about. Whenever I do talk about something it always backfires, which is really lame. But I am very upset at someone and they would be the last person on Earth that I would want to be mad at. I wish people would leave me alone and let me make my own decisions and mistakes. It's weird, today I was watching two different movies. In the first one it said that there were no such things as mistakes, "just the things we do and the things we don't do" and the other movie said "everyone makes mistakes, that's why we love and forgive". So which one makes more logical sense? I was saying to my roommate that your belief or nonbelief in mistakes depends on which side of the mistake you're on. It doesn't make sense when I say it out loud, but I can decipher it in my head.I'm ready to make decisions on my own finally, no longer weighing the pros and cons with people around me. There is no way they can understand my emotions and the situation from my point of view. I can honestly say there's probably only one moment in my life where I would say I made a mistake, and instead I just think of it as a growing and learning experience. Yes, I do shudder when I think about it, but no one got hurt...so I can't really classify it as a mistake. I don't know, I'm rambling on hoping some great idea will come to mind and I will have my Eureka! moment.
I need to slow down, I learned that much this weekend. I've been trying too hard to escape things and feelings. I just need to own up to myself and let myself feel what's actually going on. It's scary, because once I commit to this feeling, there is no going back and I can guarantee I'll get hurt along the way. But I can't help what I feel in my heart. Tonight while watching Grey's Anatomy (very sad episode) I had a slight Eureka! moment all to myself. The scene was two people were impaled by the same stake, one of them had to be the one to die so the other could live. And the whole thing with the main intern was how do you decide who should live and who should die? Now, if you know me, this thought is gruesome, I loathe the idea of death and knowing I am going to die is scary, but someone telling you that you have say three minutes to live?? How do you cope with that?!? So, I was sitting there trying to hold back my tears, and the girl was the one going to die and was asking for her boyfriend...that I realized how much I can't live without a certain person. It sounds pretty strong, but it was a shocking revelation for me. I wasn't choking back tears for the character on the show, I was witholding tears from the idea that I would never be able to see that person again. How awful...
I think I'm really tired and I will probably re-read this tomorrow and wonder what the hell I was thinking putting this out for anyone to read, but I think in order for me to sleep better tonight, it has to be done.
posted by Caitlin @ 11:08 PM
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