What's Next?

It Won't Be Long

I would just like to thank Michael for reading this :) Or at least the one time I know he has! THANKS!

It's been awhile since I've posted something. I haven't really been busy. I've been busy doing nothing, and there's nothing more time consuming than that! I have less than 100 pages to go with War and Peace...I majorly fucked up on my cross stitching so I quit that...and I now have CNN Europe which means I finally know what's going on the in the world, most importantly, back at home. Tacoma was on it yesterday in fact! I forget why, but I was like YAY! TACOMA! Even though, honestly, I don't care about Tacoma. Sorry.

I am disconnected. I feel emotionally disconnected from my world at home. I guess it's not really my world anymore. The first 5 months here I would think I had two lives: a life I was still trying to live in the US, and my life in France. I've finally accepted that I don't have a life at home anymore. No offense to anyone at the moment, but we're not friends anymore. I haven't seen you in a long time, you haven't seen me. It would be naive to think we could just pick up where we all left off without anything having changed. I'm sorry, but I've changed. I know I have. And I know you have too. You've either gotten a significant other, a new big kid job, a condo, a house, you've graduated, or maybe you just changed your hair color.

Me, I've changed. I've become more cynical but also more aware of the world and my impact on it. I will tell you what I think and not really give a damn about how it might hurt or help you. We're only on this Earth for so long, and I don't need to spend anymore time tip-toeing around people being cautious of their feelings. I am still sensitive though. I will no longer take your shit. You will no longer be allowed to string me along playing your games. If I don't want to go out one night, I won't go, don't try to suck me in. If I don't want to talk to you, get over it. If I don't agree with your ideals or morals, get fucking over it. And you can do the same to me. My new goal is not to be a hypocrite. Although I feel like even just saying that is hypocritical. Don't preach to me about being promiscuous if I can't even count how many people you've slept with on two hands. Don't tell me I'm being a bitch, chances are, I already know it and don't give a damn if you think it.

I am an independent person. More so than before, thank God. I've learned to live on my own in a foreign country for almost 6 months now. Although I'd like to think you could understand, let's be honest, you can't. I work in a different language than my mother tongue, I live with people who speak another language, I now think in that language. I've also learned a new language while being here.

I have found my own way of dealing with my religion, I go as I please and I believe in what I want. Don't tell me I can't have it both ways. I can and I will. Some days I feel like I need God more than others, on those days I pray and go to church. Other days I don't believe in a higher being...so what?

This sounds harsh, maybe. But I'm in this mood right now where I feel like I can take on the world alone, and you know what, I already have taken on a little bit of it, so why not?

posted by Caitlin @ 7:47 AM