Letting go of Everything
If you think you might not want to read this, I wouldn't...I don't want to intentionally hurt anyone I know. But I have to throw this out into the Universe.My heart skipped a few beats last night...and not in a good way. I can't name names or anything, I'm not that kind of person, not right now anyway. But this girl, I feel bad for her. And this other guy, he totally deserves whatever he gets.
I'm sorry...hate me if you want...
You don't have to be in a committed relationship for it to count as cheating. I think I've been scarred for life, I've literally been to therapy for this, and it helped a little. But then things got more complicated, and I went along with it. I wish I never had. I wish I could erase the last six months, and take back everything. You might say, well you learned from your mistakes, but I didn't learn anything except how to get hurt over and over again.
But I'm starting to heal now. Almost seven months later and just now, I'm starting to heal. It should have started six months ago. But those fucking hormones and emotions took over and led me into a place that I never thought I would go. And I feel guilty, because I did nothing to stop all of it, I even encouraged it. And this poor, poor girl, I feel so awful. But I'm not to blame. Not at all. But the fact is, is that I knew, even though I was being lied to, I knew deep down what was going on.
I am so sorry. I feel ashamed and heartbroken. And I need to let this all go, so that's what I'm doing. Saying it aloud to no one in particular, no one can say anything back to me. And I don't really care what you have to say. If you never want to talk to me again, I don't care. It's been surprisingly easy for me to disengage from the person I used to know. But that's just it, I didn't know this person the last six months of school. It was someone else, someone I never knew, and someone who I don't think I can be friends with.
I am so sorry.
posted by Caitlin @ 10:20 PM
<< Home